Dear Little Sister

Everyone is in a reflective mood now that our 4 years are done. I don't really know what to say, so I write this to my little sister. (Was going to post this to my Pray 4 ME blog... but not really about Jordan)


Dear Little sister,

I so often I had wished to be in your shoes.

I wish I had been told about what college would hold
What things expect and the things to know,
but then again, it made me pave my own way.

I know you wish I could have helped you more
I wish I spent more time having the time to explore,
But I hope the times I came to your side were the right ones and helped you through
      what there was for you endure.

I can't say what I've done will ever be enough, but it is what it is and that is what's done.

So these are things I wish I had known
These are things I wish I had been shown
So think on these as your time goes on
Because before you know it, these 3 years will be gone.

Little sister,

Time ticks on quicker than you know and when they say "time is relative" well they weren't kidding.

It drums on in the background so don't forget about the relationships worth building and each moment that you're giving.

That time is precious.


Don't give up on your dreams. Don't cry over the little things.

Don't settle because they might say "you will never succeed."

Little sister, you have the chance to do more than you ever dared to think or see.

Little sister, these 4 years go by so quick and if you let pain take hold there is so much you might miss.

Don't forget that I'm always for you. But I can't beat up the boys from 6200 miles away. ;)

Don't forget your family, cherish your friends, and life is more than relationships and boyfriends.


Little sister, I wish I was told that I had the potential to do it all, but the truth is

Do what God has planned for you.

Look for open doors He leads you through.

Listen for a call, His will and timing,

Because always remember that even on the darkest days, The Son is still shining.

So much praise!

1 Year ago (October 2013), I was sitting in the library and half crying while looking at pictures from Israel while Bradley helped me with my exegesis.

About 8 months ago, I found out my prayers of returning to the Middle East might actually happen.

2 Months ago, I took the steps to do training with Mission Corps down at Kansas City.

This last week, I finally received official word that I'll be heading back. My heart is overjoyed and I can't believe where God is taking me.

7 Months from now, I'll be on a plane headed to Jordan, a beautiful country, to work at a school to teach English (Not exactly a part of my degree...but thats o.k.)

Praise that God is in the details though I tend to be so big picture. Praise that God put this calling on my heart in the 5th grade a camp. Praise that I was able to feel that call solidified 3.5 years ago in Israel. And Praise that God uses us despite circumstances, skills, faith, and our plans.


There are a lot of questions and a lot of things to do in prep. In my last blog, I mentioned a possible TESOL class online, which I still may do. There will be a lot of long, hard goodbyes, but I know this is the center of God's will.

It's not often that someone has such a clear idea of what God's vision is for their life. Its not often that one is able to just walk and see God move before them. But, with the exception of a few missteps, God has been working, He has been moving, and I can't turn back.

Many might know that LOTR happens to be my favorite book series and Tolkien is therefor my favorite Author. In LOTR there is a poem about Aragorn who I always identified myself with. (Either as my ideal man or just crazy wilderness awesomeness)  But the poem goes as follows:

“All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.”

-JRR Tolkien

In many cases, this seems to be my story. I don't wonder because I'm lost, but God has a plan for my journey. I haven't been perfect, but deep faith within my family has kept me and from that great blessing God has shown me is God of Redemption, Restoration; a reclaiming grace.

Yes, I'm a nerd who took a nerdy theme and made it allegorical which probably would make Tolkien turn over in his grave; but regardless, I'm so amazed by how great God is. I'm astounded at His work in my life. Looking back, I can see how ever challenge has been in preparation for this summer.


So no, I have very little idea of what 52 weeks starting in August will look like. But I do know that God has a plan. Financially, it will be taken care of. Emotionally, He's placing people there to help me. Spiritually, it will be trying but guidance and love of an amazing people.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~My Prayers*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My prayer is for the children that I'll be interacting with. I might be working with Syrian Refugees, Muslim and Christian children. Regardless of background, may God transcend language (Acts 1), grant favor, and allow me to be a blessing.

My prayer is for the missionaries, that I can be a source of renewal, not a burden. That they are encouraged.

My prayer is that I never say too much, speak when should be silent, always be a learner, and to hear what the Spirit prompts.

My prayer is for my family, my bestie, my boyfriend and his family, my friends and everyone that I am leaving behind. This is not going to be an easy year. The Lord is good, but a lot happens in the course of a year. I prayer they can be encouraged to keep perusing God's calling. I pray that I will still be connected. I pray for health. I pray for strength.

Hello old friend

Its not often that I write in here... just check the time stamps. It goes about 6 mo -1 yr between posts.

But over the last year, I've found that writing helps me process things going on in my life more than I could ever imagine. By NOT writing, I'm letting things move on past me without a glance and never really learning the purpose of that moment. So I'm hoping to start to change that.

I guess I'll start by saying it has been quite the unexpected year.

1 year ago, I was intent that God was punishing me, grieving and bearing loss I never thought imaginable and pushing family and friends away. But 1 year ago, God wrapped me in His arms and promised that He is still watching out for me.

1 year ago I met the boy I can finally say really understands who I am. 1 year ago I finally allowed myself to act myself once again. 1 year ago, I finally started liking who I am again.

1 year ago, things I thought could never be mended started healing in unexpected ways. I wish I had been writing down all those ways. But the few small letters that I have kept will serve as good reminders.

1 year ago, I thought God couldn't use someone who has fallen so far. But He has shown me more power and grace than ever imaginable.



The last few years, I have been directing a campus ministry called Lifesong. Its been rough in many ways. I'm still awake and writing this now mostly because we just had auditions and I had to send out dreaded rejection letters. But God has found a way to always provide the people necessary for the ministry and I truly believe this year will be no different.

The last few years, my love for the Middle East has only grown even though so has the violence. My love for a people and passion for building relationships has developed so much, and finally starting a journey towards my home.

1 year ago, I couldn't imagine God using me. But in this last year I've seen him build up students, help struggling churches, bring on revival, and heal. In the last year God has proven to be more constant than my fickle heart could even hope for and something to cling to when darkness was all I saw. This last year, God showed me that I can relate and impact people because of, in spite of, or despite of my past.

2 Months ago, I was sitting in a Starbucks and I looked at the table and saw the words "Reclaimed Urban Wood". The wording caught my eye, but sure enough the word "reclaimed" can also mean a form of being recycled. But the idea of being "claimed" by the creator of the universe and being claimed again despite having fallen away has been on my mind for months.

1 year ago, God took me on a journey to learn about intentionality, this year God is showing me the story of His grace.

So I'm not sure what I'll be writing about over these next few months. I know that the journey will be crazy. Trying to figure out where to go for missions training, whether or not I should take TESOL classes, how in the world I can raise 10k this year, and if I go to this undisclosed Middle Eastern country, what I'll be doing while there; but God has a plan for it all.

1 year ago, I had no idea how the Lord would be able to use this crazy mess I made for my life. But God has been reminding me that nothing can separate us from the Love of God. All things will be used to Glorify Him. I just have to be willing to be used.

Blessings and Brokenness

Its been a while since I've posted anything in here, and to be sure, it will likely be a while before a I post again, but even still, I don't know where else to post what I have to say.

Its funny when years mirror each other with relationships and trips but just how vastly different those things can look and feel based on our circumstances.

Time has changed and so many things have happened similar to last year, but God has granted me a new chance to take each challenge in stride; to make the right decision this time around, to understand what it means to follow Him.

Going to Honduras this time around, I didn't necessarily feel called. I was flustered all the way up until boarding the plane. Things weren't going right, people driving me nuts, so much to do, so little time and yet the moment I stepped on the ground... I knew I was home.

At the age of about 9, I knew I was called to something bigger than myself. I knew I was called to go. I didn't know how or where or why, but Isaiah 6 has been thrown at me in every way possible. Matthew 28 has been used time and time again. And every time I hear those passages, I'm once again reminded I'm supposed to go.

But sometimes, life catches up with us. We're so focused on doing what God wants that we forget to look to do it in the WAY God wants. This has been a hard lesson, but one worth learning.

So here I am, a year later, looking at everything that has happened in the last 365 days and counting. The people who are no longer in my life, the children that I just recently met. The relationships that built me up and the relationships that built up my walls. To realize that God will use these experiences for His will, regardless of what I had intended at the time (For good or evil) is something amazing to me. He has chosen to pour out His blessing on me. We are a blessed people. He will take my heart of stone and turn it into a heart of Flesh. A painful process of refining and cleansing for "woe is me" but He has extended grace much further than I could ever imagine.

The few who know my full story have asked me this question, "what has kept you going?" and I've only had one response.

I was in my darkest place. I felt my furthest from God. But it was in those moments that I realized that I am so weak and have been relying on myself. I did not blame God for the choices that I alone made. I did not blame God for the unfortunate circumstances of that period. But instead I ran to Him. I ran and I cried and poured it all out before Him. I didn't know what else to do. Only HE could be my HElp. Only HE could HEal me. Only HE could love me. Only HE could hold me as I was torn away from everyone and made to be silent. I cried to Him. I Cursed the world but to Him. I lamented and prayed and cried and waited on Him. And somehow... somehow He saw me. He reminded me that David did much of the same. That he fell away and made decisions and poor choices, many of which had terrible consequences for the nation of Israel. But even he was still considered a man after God's own heart. And even through my tears, mistakes, choices, regrets, I am a daughter of Zion.

"So though my darkness grows darker still, I know it means Your light is near. But as I try to seek Your will, my eyes are closed so I might hear" --2011

(Even more ironic that words that God gave me a year prior would be a promise I'd cling to)

So coming back from Honduras where God has once again set ablaze the flame that was started when I was 9 years old, I know that is where I am home. I'm not called back to Honduras though I loved those children as if they were even my own. But I am called. Middle East? Africa? Who knows where I will go, but I will go. How I will get there is still a mystery, but if I have learned  anything this year is that God is faithful even when I'm not and He will provide the way regardless of my situation.

For a while I was so focused on myself. My wants. My desires. And for the most part, those were things He wants for me. But I forgot to wait on Him and His timing. 

There was a lot of myself that I could see in those children. And someone might look at me and say that I'm blessed and I shouldn't say such a thing, but their brokenness was just more obvious than my own. But they are blessed. They are blessed by the orphanage. They are blessed by relationships. They are blessed that they understand that they HAVE to rely on God. They are blessed to be taught how to wait on the Lord. They are blessed that they have found Jesus.

See, the Bible says that we are to be His people. We are all blessed by Him. So its never settled well that we act as though we are more blessed than any other. That we live in a blessed nation. I think our idea of blessed has been skewed. We are blessed, to be sure. But I saw just as much blessing and brokenness in their eyes as I did in my own life. 

And I know my story is no different than many others. 

Daughters of Jerusalem

Song of Solomon

2:7 "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."

3:5 "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."

5:8 "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you – if you find my beloved, what will you tell him? Tell him I am faint with love."

8:4 "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."


We are His daughters. We are His. A dream was spoken and a charge given. We have a responsibility. So who is it that we are to be in love with? Who are we to keep our eyes on?

My prayer

*** I wrote this back in July and had it as a private note on Fb. Went to a Bible study on Sept 19th and just really felt like i needed to share this and then after it was done i need to share on FB as well.  Started off as one thing and kinda ended as something else, idk... Just give it a look.**

My God is an awesome God of revival. My God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is the God of Jacob and the God of Abraham. He is the God over all things in this life and in the next. He has the power to transform; to change! So why are we so ready to let the world standby and miss Him. Why!? Why are we asleep, oh Church. WE NEED TO WAKE UP! As we sit in church, our God is crying out to tell us there is more. LORD! We need you. I seek you! Give me eyes that only see your relm. Only see what You would have me see. Open my ears so I can hear the cries of Your people. Awaken my heart to the compassion you have on Your people. May I Love as You would love. May I seek as You would have me! GOD I NEED YOU! 

Give me Your spirit, Lord. I want to be like You. May I be a living conviction that my very presence does for Your will what words cannot express. God, give me Your voice that I might shout from the tops of mountains and all that hear are changed by the very power of Your glorious and matchless name of Jesus Christ.

Father God, You've given me this burden. Draw me closer to You so I might be used for You and You alone. Keep me near for You know my tendency to wander. God, forgive me. Forgive me when for when I've sinned against you; which is often. Take me to that place where all I am is in total adoration for You and You alone. I want to be obsessed by You. I want You to be my only focus. Lord, take away my desires of this earth. Break me of my habbits and thoughts that are not of You. I seek you. I seek you for everything I am should die to self so I might live as You. Father God, You know my heart. You know my mind. You know my very struggles. Be near me, oh God.

"In the beginning was the word and word was with God and the word WAS God and He was with God in the beginning." You never change, You stay the same and yet I so thoughtlessly forget who You are. But despite of me or inspite of me, You are awesome. Thank you, dear Lord Jesus. Thank you that my life should depend on You and not of myself. 

Perspective

This summer started with my world being turned upside down... Its only been recently that I realize it was turned right side up.