Its funny when years mirror each other with relationships and trips but just how vastly different those things can look and feel based on our circumstances.
Time has changed and so many things have happened similar to last year, but God has granted me a new chance to take each challenge in stride; to make the right decision this time around, to understand what it means to follow Him.
Going to Honduras this time around, I didn't necessarily feel called. I was flustered all the way up until boarding the plane. Things weren't going right, people driving me nuts, so much to do, so little time and yet the moment I stepped on the ground... I knew I was home.
At the age of about 9, I knew I was called to something bigger than myself. I knew I was called to go. I didn't know how or where or why, but Isaiah 6 has been thrown at me in every way possible. Matthew 28 has been used time and time again. And every time I hear those passages, I'm once again reminded I'm supposed to go.
But sometimes, life catches up with us. We're so focused on doing what God wants that we forget to look to do it in the WAY God wants. This has been a hard lesson, but one worth learning.
So here I am, a year later, looking at everything that has happened in the last 365 days and counting. The people who are no longer in my life, the children that I just recently met. The relationships that built me up and the relationships that built up my walls. To realize that God will use these experiences for His will, regardless of what I had intended at the time (For good or evil) is something amazing to me. He has chosen to pour out His blessing on me. We are a blessed people. He will take my heart of stone and turn it into a heart of Flesh. A painful process of refining and cleansing for "woe is me" but He has extended grace much further than I could ever imagine.
The few who know my full story have asked me this question, "what has kept you going?" and I've only had one response.
I was in my darkest place. I felt my furthest from God. But it was in those moments that I realized that I am so weak and have been relying on myself. I did not blame God for the choices that I alone made. I did not blame God for the unfortunate circumstances of that period. But instead I ran to Him. I ran and I cried and poured it all out before Him. I didn't know what else to do. Only HE could be my HElp. Only HE could HEal me. Only HE could love me. Only HE could hold me as I was torn away from everyone and made to be silent. I cried to Him. I Cursed the world but to Him. I lamented and prayed and cried and waited on Him. And somehow... somehow He saw me. He reminded me that David did much of the same. That he fell away and made decisions and poor choices, many of which had terrible consequences for the nation of Israel. But even he was still considered a man after God's own heart. And even through my tears, mistakes, choices, regrets, I am a daughter of Zion.
"So though my darkness grows darker still, I know it means Your light is near. But as I try to seek Your will, my eyes are closed so I might hear" --2011
(Even more ironic that words that God gave me a year prior would be a promise I'd cling to)
So coming back from Honduras where God has once again set ablaze the flame that was started when I was 9 years old, I know that is where I am home. I'm not called back to Honduras though I loved those children as if they were even my own. But I am called. Middle East? Africa? Who knows where I will go, but I will go. How I will get there is still a mystery, but if I have learned anything this year is that God is faithful even when I'm not and He will provide the way regardless of my situation.
For a while I was so focused on myself. My wants. My desires. And for the most part, those were things He wants for me. But I forgot to wait on Him and His timing.
There was a lot of myself that I could see in those children. And someone might look at me and say that I'm blessed and I shouldn't say such a thing, but their brokenness was just more obvious than my own. But they are blessed. They are blessed by the orphanage. They are blessed by relationships. They are blessed that they understand that they HAVE to rely on God. They are blessed to be taught how to wait on the Lord. They are blessed that they have found Jesus.
See, the Bible says that we are to be His people. We are all blessed by Him. So its never settled well that we act as though we are more blessed than any other. That we live in a blessed nation. I think our idea of blessed has been skewed. We are blessed, to be sure. But I saw just as much blessing and brokenness in their eyes as I did in my own life.
And I know my story is no different than many others.
