Hello old friend

Its not often that I write in here... just check the time stamps. It goes about 6 mo -1 yr between posts.

But over the last year, I've found that writing helps me process things going on in my life more than I could ever imagine. By NOT writing, I'm letting things move on past me without a glance and never really learning the purpose of that moment. So I'm hoping to start to change that.

I guess I'll start by saying it has been quite the unexpected year.

1 year ago, I was intent that God was punishing me, grieving and bearing loss I never thought imaginable and pushing family and friends away. But 1 year ago, God wrapped me in His arms and promised that He is still watching out for me.

1 year ago I met the boy I can finally say really understands who I am. 1 year ago I finally allowed myself to act myself once again. 1 year ago, I finally started liking who I am again.

1 year ago, things I thought could never be mended started healing in unexpected ways. I wish I had been writing down all those ways. But the few small letters that I have kept will serve as good reminders.

1 year ago, I thought God couldn't use someone who has fallen so far. But He has shown me more power and grace than ever imaginable.



The last few years, I have been directing a campus ministry called Lifesong. Its been rough in many ways. I'm still awake and writing this now mostly because we just had auditions and I had to send out dreaded rejection letters. But God has found a way to always provide the people necessary for the ministry and I truly believe this year will be no different.

The last few years, my love for the Middle East has only grown even though so has the violence. My love for a people and passion for building relationships has developed so much, and finally starting a journey towards my home.

1 year ago, I couldn't imagine God using me. But in this last year I've seen him build up students, help struggling churches, bring on revival, and heal. In the last year God has proven to be more constant than my fickle heart could even hope for and something to cling to when darkness was all I saw. This last year, God showed me that I can relate and impact people because of, in spite of, or despite of my past.

2 Months ago, I was sitting in a Starbucks and I looked at the table and saw the words "Reclaimed Urban Wood". The wording caught my eye, but sure enough the word "reclaimed" can also mean a form of being recycled. But the idea of being "claimed" by the creator of the universe and being claimed again despite having fallen away has been on my mind for months.

1 year ago, God took me on a journey to learn about intentionality, this year God is showing me the story of His grace.

So I'm not sure what I'll be writing about over these next few months. I know that the journey will be crazy. Trying to figure out where to go for missions training, whether or not I should take TESOL classes, how in the world I can raise 10k this year, and if I go to this undisclosed Middle Eastern country, what I'll be doing while there; but God has a plan for it all.

1 year ago, I had no idea how the Lord would be able to use this crazy mess I made for my life. But God has been reminding me that nothing can separate us from the Love of God. All things will be used to Glorify Him. I just have to be willing to be used.

Blessings and Brokenness

Its been a while since I've posted anything in here, and to be sure, it will likely be a while before a I post again, but even still, I don't know where else to post what I have to say.

Its funny when years mirror each other with relationships and trips but just how vastly different those things can look and feel based on our circumstances.

Time has changed and so many things have happened similar to last year, but God has granted me a new chance to take each challenge in stride; to make the right decision this time around, to understand what it means to follow Him.

Going to Honduras this time around, I didn't necessarily feel called. I was flustered all the way up until boarding the plane. Things weren't going right, people driving me nuts, so much to do, so little time and yet the moment I stepped on the ground... I knew I was home.

At the age of about 9, I knew I was called to something bigger than myself. I knew I was called to go. I didn't know how or where or why, but Isaiah 6 has been thrown at me in every way possible. Matthew 28 has been used time and time again. And every time I hear those passages, I'm once again reminded I'm supposed to go.

But sometimes, life catches up with us. We're so focused on doing what God wants that we forget to look to do it in the WAY God wants. This has been a hard lesson, but one worth learning.

So here I am, a year later, looking at everything that has happened in the last 365 days and counting. The people who are no longer in my life, the children that I just recently met. The relationships that built me up and the relationships that built up my walls. To realize that God will use these experiences for His will, regardless of what I had intended at the time (For good or evil) is something amazing to me. He has chosen to pour out His blessing on me. We are a blessed people. He will take my heart of stone and turn it into a heart of Flesh. A painful process of refining and cleansing for "woe is me" but He has extended grace much further than I could ever imagine.

The few who know my full story have asked me this question, "what has kept you going?" and I've only had one response.

I was in my darkest place. I felt my furthest from God. But it was in those moments that I realized that I am so weak and have been relying on myself. I did not blame God for the choices that I alone made. I did not blame God for the unfortunate circumstances of that period. But instead I ran to Him. I ran and I cried and poured it all out before Him. I didn't know what else to do. Only HE could be my HElp. Only HE could HEal me. Only HE could love me. Only HE could hold me as I was torn away from everyone and made to be silent. I cried to Him. I Cursed the world but to Him. I lamented and prayed and cried and waited on Him. And somehow... somehow He saw me. He reminded me that David did much of the same. That he fell away and made decisions and poor choices, many of which had terrible consequences for the nation of Israel. But even he was still considered a man after God's own heart. And even through my tears, mistakes, choices, regrets, I am a daughter of Zion.

"So though my darkness grows darker still, I know it means Your light is near. But as I try to seek Your will, my eyes are closed so I might hear" --2011

(Even more ironic that words that God gave me a year prior would be a promise I'd cling to)

So coming back from Honduras where God has once again set ablaze the flame that was started when I was 9 years old, I know that is where I am home. I'm not called back to Honduras though I loved those children as if they were even my own. But I am called. Middle East? Africa? Who knows where I will go, but I will go. How I will get there is still a mystery, but if I have learned  anything this year is that God is faithful even when I'm not and He will provide the way regardless of my situation.

For a while I was so focused on myself. My wants. My desires. And for the most part, those were things He wants for me. But I forgot to wait on Him and His timing. 

There was a lot of myself that I could see in those children. And someone might look at me and say that I'm blessed and I shouldn't say such a thing, but their brokenness was just more obvious than my own. But they are blessed. They are blessed by the orphanage. They are blessed by relationships. They are blessed that they understand that they HAVE to rely on God. They are blessed to be taught how to wait on the Lord. They are blessed that they have found Jesus.

See, the Bible says that we are to be His people. We are all blessed by Him. So its never settled well that we act as though we are more blessed than any other. That we live in a blessed nation. I think our idea of blessed has been skewed. We are blessed, to be sure. But I saw just as much blessing and brokenness in their eyes as I did in my own life. 

And I know my story is no different than many others.